Scarlet vs Cullen
by Akasora-senpai
Summary: A letter from Remilia's vampire friend in France warns her to stay away from the abomination that is the Twilight series at all cost. Unfortunately, curiosity takes her the opposite direction and boy what happens. Violence and a swearing parisienne awaits. Combined elements from the Vampire Chronicles. AU of course. R&R!
1. Une Lettre de France

**Disclaimer: I don't own Touhou, Twilight, Vampire Chronicles or vampires.**

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><p>"Lady Remilia?"<p>

"What is it, Sakuya?"

"You've got mail!"

"Oh! Let me see" the vampire exclaims while eagerly taking the envelope from between the maid's finger. Just as she expects - the neat handwriting on the front of the slim paper pocket indicates its origin from Paris. This has to be it, Remilia hums to herself as she cuts open the letter with a small silver knife, the much-hoped-for reply from her vampire friend Armand. How could she not remember the old days being a parisienne living under the roof of the grand Thêatrès des Vampires among other blood-drinkers she felt were her family? Especially the red-haired Armand, though deceitful and twisted and _oh how much of a man-bitch he was _- and he tried to hit on her little Flandre for cripe's sake - nothing could stop him and Remilia from being inseparable friends. Now that she's in the hidden land Gensokyo and he's still in Paris - which is good news she guesses, because long ago, Remilia couldn't believe Armand actually meant what he said - that the Thêatrès was burned to the ground along with all the vampires inside except himself by "that jerk Louis" - it would take centuries for transportation to develop enough for them to travel between two worlds without disrupting the barrier between them. Luckily, the post system is now able to transfer documents and parcels between worlds, the two have resorted to keeping in contact by mail (Remilia would _love _to send him emails, but sadly the Internet in both the outside world and Gensokyo isn't that strong yet).

_Dear Remilie,_

Oh how the blue-haired enjoys being called by her real name once in a while. She smiles and goes on reading the letter written in French.

_First was Louis's burning down the Thêatrès. Second was Marius's pissing off at me for hanging out with Daniel._

You forgot Louis and Lestat, Remilia giggles to herself.

_And now this dogcrap! When is my life gonna stop being such a huge hell hole? The other day when I went out feeding, all the girls I met were like "Hey ya no vampirez ya dun sparkle like Eddiekinz". I was so pissed off I decided to go ask someone - who later became my dinner - who this guy was. This person, who was, thanks Satan, a bookstore owner, told me everything about this Edward Cullen dude and kept fangirling the crap out of me about him - well at least her blood tasted nice. I went to her bookstore and took the first volume of the so-called Twilight "saga" - y'know, the ridiculously thick book that's about three times the number of pages of Lestat's stupid autobiography. Did I mention it had hands holding an apple against a black background as the cover? I know, stupid! I warn you, Remilie, never, EVER, go near that "book" if you want to spare your sanity. I'm honestly disgusted by how vampires are portrayed in this crap. Edward Cullen is a frigging wimp; hell, he's even more of a chicken than Louis himself. What kind of vampires eat only animal blood? I know Louis tried to do that and look what he'd done to Claudia before Lestat turned her. What kind of vampires go to… to _high school_? And yeah, let's not forget the sparkles. LE SPARKLEZZZZ. Those wimpires SPARKLE in daylight. What the hell?! This is… Ugh… I can't…_

_Tell Francoise I said hi._

_Armand_

"Sis!" when Remilia finishes the letter, she instantly hears a too familiar cheerful call.

"Flandre!" she responds, "waking up so soon?" It isn't time for the younger vampire to get out of the basement yet. Remilia isn't surprised; every time she has mail, her sister has to make Sakuya or Meiling let her out before time so that she can "talk" to her.

"Is it from big bro Armand?" Mon Dieu, Remilia swears if the red-head knows innocent little Francoise - I mean Flandre - still calls him "big bro" after all those years plus one instance of his hitting on her, he will break down in bloody tears.

"_Oui_" said the blue-haired.

"What did he say?"

"… He said hi."

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><p><strong>end of chapter 1.<strong>

LOL how was that? I know VC fanfics aren't allowed here - sorry Anne Rice - but can't help it. The story I have is rather long so I have to break down into chapters. Can't wait until Remi starts reading the crap herself, hehe.

Reviews make my day!


	2. Encounter with the Travesty

**A/N: Did I mention this fic contains swearing in French… as well as in English?**

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><p>Remilia eventually finds herself on the way down to the Scarlet mansion library. She can't help but wonder what in Gensokyo she's doing instead of what she's supposed to do - write a reply to Armand. Every time she encounters Sakuya, Meiling or any other zombie fairy maid along the way, she goes with the excuse that she's forgotten some French words and that she has to "go look up some things to write in the letter" without realizing it's the lamest excuse ever (in fact, she has had Meiling questioning the reliability of her reason only to be brushed off by the vampire's scoffing, "None of your business!").<p>

But again, Armand isn't a very reliable person himself. Perhaps he's still feeling bad after that argument with Marius that he needs to pull a prank on her in order to have some fun - again, Remilia isn't surprised. On the other hand, even the biggest liars have to tell the truth sometimes. The burning of the Thêatrès _was_ true, since the same day the bad news from the red-head reached her, she also received a mail from Marius confirming this. What if this Twilight disaster really exists and Armand, as her friend, is trying to help her? Anyway, the more someone warns you to stay away from something no matter what it takes, the more likely it is that curiosity will lead you the exact opposite direction; especially if that "thing" is only a book. And if it's a book, and perhaps a popular one at that, Remilia is dead sure it's available somewhere in the Scarlet library.

"Good evening Patchy", says the vampire stepping into the gigantic room with shockingly high and long bookshelves containing exactly ten thousand five hundred and eighty-nine books as estimated by Patchouli. She should have made this into a public library, because it would take Remilia hundreds of years to finish all of that on her own. She arrives just in time to witness even more books being added to the massive amount of those already in the library.

"Good evening, milady" replies the witch librarian, eyes not leaving two huge open carton boxes, one labeled "Gensokyo", the other "Outside world". She's doing her job of updating the library every two months. Her order of books from both the hidden land and beyond the Hakurei barrier has arrived earlier that day and now she's sorting them into appropriate categories before taking them to the shelves. It's hard work, but Patchouli has already sorted out half of the outside world books. She mumbles as she puts the rest into different stacks, "_Snow Flower and the Secret Fan_, that goes to Historical at S; _The Hunger Games_ series, that's Adventure at T; _Twilight_ series, that's Romance at T, _Kuroko no Basket_ volume 25 to 30, that's Manga at K…"

"Sorry, what books do you have there? The black-covered ones?" asks Remilia, "can I see it?"

"O-oh, sure…" says the purple-haired holding out the four books entitled _Twilight, New Moon, Eclipse _and _Breaking Dawn_ for her master to see. Each volume was so thick that Remilia's thickest French dictionary pales in comparison. A first glance at the cover art of these books makes the vampire question. Hands holding apple? Tulip? Broken ribbon? Chess pieces? What are they supposed to mean? They almost have nothing to do with each other and she wonders if they do with the story itself. Clearly, the author of this New York Times bestseller Stephenie Meyer, as Remilia sees printed on the covers, needs to take a class on cover designs.

"Patchy, do you mind if I…"

"Please do" the librarian nods and goes back to work. Remilia carries the novel series to a table nearby and, boy, how she regrets the next few hours she spends.

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><p><em>C'est unbelievable! What is this literary crap?<em> Remilia grunts to herself. _When was the last time I've seen a girl this whiny, bitchy and pathetic? Mon Dieu, even the weakest being in Gensokyo can put up a decent fight with me! I can't stand this Bella Swan from the first paragraph! She's like, every goddamn thing that we Gensokyans are not! Everyone falls head over heels for her despite her having no talents, no personality, no goals! Hold on, she does have a goal, that's to have a HAWT boyfriend to rely on! And what kind of normal teenage girl is so disrespectful? If I act like that in front of my father (RIP papa), he'd rip my wings off! Words can't express my anger towards this hell of a heroine, like, the f*k?_

_And don't get me started on this Edward Cullen douchebag. Armand was right, he's a horrible excuse for a vampire. He annoys me more than that Bella bitch herself. You wanna drink her blood? Right, then freaking KILL her like Flandre would have done if she were you! What a coward! The more I read, the more I detest this dude. He doesn't deserve a girlfriend. Ever. Even a playboy like Lestat knows better than to stalk women in their sleep. Hell, he's uneducated and still knows better than someone who goes to high school a zillion times. Which brings me to the next bullshit. What benefit is repeating high school like that supposed to bring, except a chance for the Cullens to meet Bella? This makes completely no sense._

_Oh, here it is. "His skin, white despite the faint flush from yesterday's hunting trip, literally sparkled, like thousands of tiny diamonds were embedded in the surface" And what is this, "He lay perfectly still in the grass, his shirt open over his sculpted, incandescent chest, his scintillating arms bare. His glistening, pale lavender lids were shut, though of course he didn't sleep. A perfect statue, carved in some unknown stone, smooth like marble, glittering like crystal." Yeah. My papa totally didn't die because vampires are supposed to sparkle in the sunlight now aren't they? Yeah right. Ridiculous! Absolutely ridiculous!_

With her current mood, Remilia knows she should stop reading before things go out of control. She is just too angry. The stupid shallowness, the blatant misogyny and the amount of purple prose exposed before her ruby eyes are so much they begin to drive her crazy. She's mad. She's lost her mind to the point of keeping on reading, consuming, devouring the disaster until she finishes the entire series by dawn.

"And the last of the books… here we go!" Patchouli has just finished arranging all the new books onto the shelves. As she climbs down the ladder, it takes her by surprise to find Remilia still at the reading table wearing the most gloomy expression she's seen for a long time.

"Patchy…" the vampire calls inaudibly.

"Yes?"

"Come here…" Remilia motions the other to move closer.

"What is it that you want?" asks the witch.

She gently takes Patchy's calloused hand in her petite, pudgy one. All of a sudden, the blue-head yanks Patchy's hand closer to her. The witch feels tickled, then stinging, then a searing, almost unbearable pain in her palm. When she sees the vampire sinking her razor teeth deep into her skin, she lets out what seems to be the loudest scream she's made in her entire life.

"What… What are you doing?" panic-stricken and angered, Patchy gazes up at her master's face now stained with fresh crimson liquid from the corners of her lips that come dripping down the table. The witch looks down at her sleeve and, my, almost gets the one hundredth asthma attack of the month. Blood. Too much blood.

"Are you insane!?" there came no reply. Even more blood drops on the mahogany surface, this time coming from Remilia's eyes. Burying her face in her hands, the vampire breaks down into sobs.

"What the hell?" Remilia growls, "C'est des conneries! I've never been so insulted in my entire life! Armand was right, I should have never read this abysmal bull crap! Goddamn it! Papa… Je suis désolée!…"

Tears run down Patchy's cheeks. She suddenly feels sorry for her master. She always gets emotional every time someone makes fun of her beloved father's death by sunlight. Patchy doesn't know however, this time it's not only about his death being made fun of that Remilia is pissed off about, it's the matter of the _whole vampire race _being stripped off of their natural characteristics and butchered up into this epic _sparkling _failfest labeled "true vampires" by the retarded writer. Even more, this "saga", or "suck-ga" as the former parisienne now finds comfortable to refer to this series as, makes her somehow ashamed she is a female. Heck, ninety-eight percent of Gensokyo's population is female and none of them is even close to that Bella Swan damsel-in-distress train wreck of a heroine! The overall series to Remilia is somehow… remarkable, as it manages to put vampires, werewolves, females, heck even males, literature, science and _common sense _to shame! She cannot stand this, and as a vampire, Remilia Scarlet knows she has to do something about this.

_Wipe this abomination out of Gensokyo forever._

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><p><strong>end of chapter 2.<strong>


	3. Remilia's Cry for Help

Keine's evening class - her last class of the day - is about to begin. After which, she can relax and dip her aching body in a nice hot bath, she says to herself. She then wipes the white board clean before facing her little students waiting for the lesson on Modern Literature to begin.

Just so you know, the hakutaku doesn't only teach History but also Classic and Modern Literature as well as Philosophy. She's a particularly popular teacher in the neighborhood, not only because she's kindly decided to open afternoon and evening classes at her home for kids after school (more stress for her, but it's worth it), but also her lectures are among the most intriguing and memorable ones. She teaches about good and bad literature alike as well as recommending good works for her students to read and warning them about bad ones. Today, she's giving a lecture on a certain novel series that she finds okay, but not something that young kids should read.

She has barely said anything before her door bell rings. Great. Another parent is here to complain again. Yes, she admits she still hasn't cut down on her _cave_-ing yet, but can't they just find another time to come and see her? When she doesn't have any classes perhaps? Or any time when she isn't _downright _stressed and can explode any minute?

Much to her surprise, it isn't an angry parent at the door, but an angry female with blue hair, large bat wings wearing a blood-dyed pink outfit and pink bonnet. Keine wanted to scream the crap out of the other to _leave her alone and let her teach the_ _class_, but the vampire seems _so _mad she could cut Keine's head off with her huge-ass magic blade if the teacher thinks of doing so. All her anger and stress having seemingly disappeared, the hakutaku is reduced to a trembling mess of fear. She tries not to show it as she blurts: "K… Kombanwa, Remilia-san!"

"Can you…" Remilia replies in a creepy voice than sends shivers down Keine's back, "do me a favor?"

"W… why don't you come in first and I'll see what I can do for you?" that being said, Remilia nearly shoves Keine out of her way and proceeds to stomp into the room. The students watch her curiously.

"Listen. Keine, I want you… to remove the Twilight _suck-ga_ from history for _good_! I don't want it to exist any more! Do it NOW!" Remilia growls so loudly the room shakes as if going through an earthquake. All the students are quivering, while Rumia has already retreated under her desk.

"Remove the what?"

"The pile of bull crap on your table there!" Remilia points at the four black-covered books on Keine's table that are, coincidentally, her teaching material. Meanwhile, the history-eating (at times altering) hakutaku changes from scared to seriously confused.

"Why would you want me to remove the Twilight series from existence?"

"Yeah, why? Sensei is gonna teach us about it today, so why do you want her to "eat" it?" the ice fairy Cirno is clearly so stupid she decides to voice her opinion despite her friends' warning her not to. As a result, one of the approximately-600-page(-or-maybe-even-more) books on the teacher's table is suddenly flying through the air towards her. Luckily enough, she's created herself an ice shield to protect her from the attack. The book hits the thick sheet of ice and falls down, but much to Cirno's dismay, is met with her foot in a not-so-gentle way. She lets out an eardrum-drilling sound, while Mystia sitting beside her picks up the first Twilight book now on the floor and opens to a random page.

Remilia is the one who threw the book and hurt a student, and it feels nice to take our her frustration on someone even though she's not the one causing the trouble. Now all the students are gathering round Mystia with the book opened on her desk.

"_And so the lion fell in love with the lamb" _she reads aloud.

"What does that mean?" questions Rumia.

"How can a lion fall in love with a lamb?" Star Sapphire seems puzzled.

"It's stupid!" Cirno adds.

"Yeah!" Medicine agrees.

"But I think it's so romantic!" Sunny Milk exclaims.

"Everyone, be quiet!" Keine commands and waits for the students to get back to their seats. She doesn't forget to snatch the book from Mystia's hands before turning to a steaming Remilia with the same question, "why would you want me to delete the Twilight series from history?"

Swallowing a strong desire to destroy the entire classroom, Remilia explains the crappiness of the whole so-called vampire novels, French swearing interlaced, drawing a gasp from the students as well as the teacher. Keine is now over-the-top worried since the former parisienne may go on ranting away her time to teach the class. Regaining her cool, the aqua-haired interrupts, "Excuse me Remilia-san, I appreciate your opinion; however I don't think we need to go as far as to remove the books from history. In my opinion, any kind of literature deserves credit and respect. Indeed it's inappropriate for young children and teenagers, there are, actually, more people liking the series than you think. In fact, there are many fan clubs dedicated to the Twilight characters like Team Edward and Team Jacob in Gensokyo as well as the outside world." she then lowers her voice to a mere whisper, "and I may also have you know, Princess Kaguya of Eientei is a huge fan of the series and a hardcore member of Team Edward. My friend Mokou is also crazy about Twilight - something I still find hard to believe - and is on Team Jacob. I guess that's to piss Kaguya off and those two will have something new to fight about. It's best to leave it be, because I'd rather have them kill each other than Mokou whine and bitch to me about not having anything to "burn the crap out of Kaguya's ass about" and Kaguya do the same to Eirin. I know it'll be stressful for you, but…"

"I see" Remilia replies coldly, "looks like I've looked for the wrong person. I know who helps me better now. Au revoir."

With that, she flies out of the door. Keine returns to her table rubbing her temples.

"Excuse me, sensei" Wriggle raises her hand, "are we starting the lesson now?"

"You know what," all of a sudden, the hakutaku smiles, "class is over. Don't forget to review today's lesson and finish your Animal Farm assignment!"

Wriggle is about to protest, "but we haven't learned anything today" but decides not to once she recalls Remilia's angry rant. After all the students has left, Keine hums to herself as she heads straight for the door with an indigo curtain with the white hiragana ゆ _yu_ written on it, "time for the bath!"

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><p><strong>end of chapter 3.<strong>


	4. Revenge of the Scarlet Devil

**A/N: Some characters maybe a little OOC from here on.**

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><p>Remilia is in the rainy hell-hole of Forks, last time she checked on the GPS. She isn't sure what she's doing here since Yukari was supposed to teleport her to the supposedly non-existent Isle Esme where the asshole Edward and the whiny bitch Bella currently live. Little does Remilia know, the youkai has barely read past book 1 since she's too busy sleeping to do so.<p>

"Damn that old hag" she mutters, twirling the intricate European umbrella between her fingers.

Meanwhile, back in Gensokyo…

"Damn that vampire bitch!" groans the blonde youkai burying her legs under the kotatsu with two loyal subordinates at her side, "I can't believe I've _gapped_ another person to the outside world! Do you know what that means?"

"It's illegal" says Ran.

"… I know, but it is for a reason! Now there's one _big_ hole on the space & time border, and there'll be _two_ once I take her back! Even if Reimu and I work together, it'll still take _years_ to repair it! As if I don't have enough work to do anyway! All because of that little brat's non-stop yelling and not letting me finish whatever shit I had to say! Damn it! Ran, go make me some coffee!"

The kyuubi has to try not to crack up. Her master can be so damn pretentious at times, and that's what she particularly likes about Yukari. She stands up and, with Chen closely following, heads for the kitchen.

In the small quiet town of Forks, Remilia is about to give up her search in despair when she hears arguing from a distance.

"… But darling, I don't want to!"

"Shut the hell up! I know you're thirsty after the long drive so you _must_ come with me into this cafe!"

"Oh, okay!"

Gosh, can that girl be any stupider? Then again, Remilia remembers only _one_ person could be such an airhead. She approaches the quarrel and voila, just as she's expected, the vampire wannabe Edward Cullen is dragging the other vampire wannabe Bella Swan into a cafe nearby. She can't figure out why they're here all of a sudden when they're supposed to spend their eternity on an island off the west coast of Brazil (?) with a daughter having such a bizarre name that even one like Parsee Mizuhashi seems enviable. Perhaps they're here for their annual visit or something. Anyway, the time has come and Remilia just can't wait any longer.

In a flash, Bella's head falls off of her neck and rolls on the brick sidewalk. Her body collapses. Edward's liquid topaz eyes widens as he stares at the small female with wide bat wings, blue hair and a long magic blade in hand.

"Bonjour, Monsieur Cullen" greets the smirking petite lady, "I, the vampire Remilia Scarlet from Gensokyo have something to discuss with you."

"Go on then" he responds.

"Aren't you sad that I killed off your wife?"

"… No. In fact, look behind you."

Remilia is beyond shocked as she sees no one other than Bella standing there, looking as plain and ordinary as ever.

"As if you could defeat us! Just chopping our heads off won't work, little one" he explains, "keep in mind that we can regenerate no matter how many times you dismember us. Grind us into a paste even, and we'll still come out in one piece"

Remilia then recalls the fact that these wimpires are, unfortunately, invincible little pests.

"Why are you trying to kill us, little one?" asks the faggot.

"Don't call me that!" an angry vein bulged on the Scarlet's forehead, "in fact, I am the one older than you. Have you wondered why other vampires out there don't like you? Because you are a disgrace to us! We drink human blood, we're dangerous creatures, we _burn_ in the sun! What about you?"

"I… sparkle!"

"Ha! You sparkle! That's just about the most pathetic thing I've ever seen! And we can't forget about this _salope_ you have for a wife now can we?" she turns to Bella, "may I also let you know, you have singlehandedly put all females in the world to shame! You and your douchebag husband over there don't deserve a place in this universe anymore, and for that, _I will kill you_"

That being said, Remilia whips out a powerful spell card and shoot beams after beams at the wannabe vampires. She's sure that's going to annihilate both of them. When the light show has ended, the blue-head looks around only to find the other two nowhere to be found.

"As if you could fight me off!" she hears a shout that turns out to be from atop a tree. There he is, the pest on a huge branch with his bitch on his back.

"Foutre! How the hell can you..." the former parisienne growls and the two sparklepires once more disappears in front of her eyes.

"Seek it for yourself" Edward's annoying velvet voice can now be heard inches behind Remilia's back. She swings around with an even more powerful spell card aimed straight at him only to find him miliseconds later behind her back again with his restraint arm around her delicate neck.

"You're too slow" gently, he took the card out of the petite vampire's hand and snapped it in half.

_Putain. Now I'm sure I'm gonna die now_, she thinks.

It is when she hears a too familiar sound "YAAAAAAAAAAA!" from above.

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><p><strong>end of chapter 4.<strong>


	5. Real Vampires FTW

After that, the annoying Edward Cullen is now seen face-down on the pavement with a certain someone standing on his head.

"Bonjour Monsieur Cullen!" she says in an adorable cheerful voice as she gets down, "sorry I stepped on your head!"

"Flandre!" Remilia cries in joy and surprise, "what brings you here?"

"Sis! I've come here with Marisa and Reimu to help you fight him!"

Remilia turns around. She sees no one other than the witch and the miko; the former is cracking a wide grin, while the latter frowns.

"Yo!" says Marisa, "we're here da help ya kill dem wuss-asses, ze! I read da Twilight series yesterday and I hate it! Man, I really can't stand dat thing, especially dat sparkly Edward and da whiny Bella bitch! We're sorry we should'a been here earlier, but those guys in uniforms back there are a real pain in da ass, ze!"

"It's because you dropped your ticket, and why the frick do I have to come with you?" says Reimu, sounding uninterested.

"Who said I dropped m'ticket?" the tomboy rebutts.

"Guys, guys, less talking, more fighting!" Remilia intervenes, "we need to work together and be quick, because that guy's extremely fast and can take down all of us in no time"

"Seems easy ta me" Marisa says smugly, earning a scowl from Reimu, "no worries, mademassle, cuz Team Real Vampires FTW is here da assist ya in battle!"

"It's read _mademoiselle,_ and it's a pretty… unique team name you have there" says Remilia before all four of them take out their most powerful, badass spell cards, "and why were you guys talking about tickets?"

She has no time to keep speaking, since Edward is slowly rising from the pavement. Marisa suddenly screams at the top of her lungs, "let's FIIIIIIIIIIGHT!"

And a breathtaking yet deadly danmaku light show has begun.

Seconds later, where Bella was standing is now left with a pile of fine dust, while Edward is laying helplessly on the ground unable to stand up - he's subdued by Reimu's paper talisman attached to his ass. Literally.

"You do the honors" says the miko, looking at Remilia. The said blue-head moves forward and by using one spell, replaces Edward with another pile of fine dust that can sparkle in the sunlight.

The four are celebrating their victory when a dark-skinned shirtless man shows up. Marisa, Reimu and Flandre get into their battle stances again, but Remilia approaches him and, without hesitation, give him a slap across his face.

"Salaud! Pédophile!" Remilia spits out the most terrible insult she thinks suits this sorry excuse for a werewolf, "I may forgive you for not being as much of a jerk as Edward, but you are _still_ a jerk and there's something I want you to do right this instance. Go find the old crone Stephenie Meyer, tell her that her favorite characters are exorcised and that she is never to pick up a pen and write a book ever again."

"Why should I do that?" Jacob looks puzzled.

"_Because I am a vampire!_" Remilia bares her long, sharp fangs and her scary blood red eyes. She hisses at the werewolf, effectively intimidating him and sending him sprinting away at top speed.

It has been days, starting from the minute she began reading the horrible "saga", before Remilia smiles so happily. She feels relieved, but most of all _proud_ since the vampires' dignity has been restored. She's forgotten to ask the others how on Earth they're going to get back, and now they're gone - which means she has to wait another _2 hours_ until Yukari picks her up as agreed, but how is that going to bother her? She's too happy to mind.

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><p><strong>end of chapter 5.<strong>


	6. Omake

Remilia is in the living-room relaxing and reading her good-old Three Musketeers when Sakuya bursts in, looking far more excited than ever.

"Sakuya? What's the matter?" Remilia asks.

"I can't believe it!" says the maid, "you've got guest, and this person..." she pauses there before calling out, "you can come in now!"

A slender, short male clicks the heels of his leather boots into the room. The man with fluffy red curls of hair and hazel eyes doesn't hide his smile when he sees the Scarlet.

"Ça fait longtemps" he says, "_Rémilie_"

"Are... are you... who I think you are?" Remilia's mouth gapes like a fish out of water, distorting her usually beautiful French pronunciation.

"Yes I am, of course."

"Ar... _Armand_!" the blue-head pulls the other into a tight hug, "gosh, it's soooooo nice to see you! I thought we'd never meet again! How did you make it here?"

"Well..." he says once Remilia releases him, "I found out there was..."

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><p>"... a freaking non-barrier-disrupting <em>shinkansen <em>railway just opened between Gensokyo and the outside world, that's what I was trying to tell her!" Yukari whines, "I could have just told her to f*king go make a passport and buy a train ticket and leave me alone, but no, she just had to be an annoying little vampire bitch!"

She immediately receives an elbow to her hip from her brunette partner. The two have been there at this spooky meadow covered in mist that is the Hakurei barrier region - literally in the middle of nowhere according to Yukari - channeling their energy at a visible tear on the veil separating two worlds for approximately four hours now. Yukari can feel her energy running out, and she's pretty sure it's time for her to go to sleep. Just when is Reimu going to give her a break? It's not her fault anyway! Damn life, she thinks.

"Oh, shut the hell up, old hag" Reimu grunts.

* * *

><p>"And believe me, it was such a drag" says Armand, "I had a real hard time with the ticket clerks and the security control. They kept asking me ridiculous questions like "How many trees does your friend have in front of her house?", "What did she wear when you last saw her?". It was lucky I managed to make it. So... you've just killed Edward Cullen and Bella the other day, haven't you?"<p>

"How do you know?" Remilia takes another sip from her drink.

"Read it on the news. Who else could have killed it besides you?" the red-head smirks, "I'll have you know, Rémilie, _it was all my plan_."

"You mean?"

"I mean, I wanted to kill that Edward bastard too, but there's no way I could stand a chance against him. You are a lot more powerful than me, so I sent that "warning" letter to you. It was, in fact, to provoke your curiosity so that you'll read the books. Once you read it and loathed that Edward as much as I do, you'd go kill him _for _me"

"You deceiving little demon!" Remilia reaches over the table to give Armand a good pinch on his face.

"Relax, relax! Just, you know, look at the bright side! You've killed the greatest enemy of all vampires! It's not _your _victory, not _my _victory, it's _our _victory. I say we have a celebration for this!"

* * *

><p><strong>The End.<strong>


End file.
